What I Know

Is that I am really hard on myself. I tend to forget the gardenia of myself and see straight through to the compost.

Yesterday’s speaking engagement had its ups and downs. I get obsessed with the downs. I think, “If only I had said…” or “Why didn’t I…?” because I want to be able to give 175%. I was prepared, and yet I froze. I was excited, and yet
I was unsure. I was behind a podium, so I couldn’t move, or literally walk about and touch the audience.

I realized this morning I need that. I need to be able to give that to the people I have come to see: I need to be able to MOVE.

A podium for me was like a cage for a tiger. I like the unknown, I like the jungle. I like the call of the wild and the occassional heckler. Those things bring out who I am…moving and laughing and laughing with my audience brings out my confidence, my experience. I don’t know how to stand behind a podium without it being deadweight.

I’m reminded of when I made the “I Couldn’t Help Myself” video. The director, Matt Mahurin, wanted me to sit on a stool and be PERFECTLY STILL. I stuttered, “Um, that’s not who I am…I like to flow…” but he was very insistent that I only use my eyes, my mouth..not my hands or my body. I think he had a point, that
the viewer would be drawn to my emotion through my face. (I don’t give my face much credit to what people gather from and about me…I think of my face as a sort of gnome in the woods that came with the property! Ha ha.)

However, I think I had a point, too. I wonder what would have changed if I had said, “No, I gotta dance! I have to run around like a child!” How would that one instance of me saying, “Nope” changed all the other times I wanted to say “Nope”?

This is where wisdom steps in and gathers the facts of the past. It’ s how I”ve learned to say “no” more often. (Especially with ice cream!)

Well, I hope I brought something to that conference yesterday. I did get the men to sing like pirates. That was cool.